Part 1 FMLs & MLIAs
This is the first collection of the best FMLs & MLIAs on deetfin.com
Today, one of my friends said to me if you say “Gullible” really slow, it sounds like ice cream. I said “Ice Cream” really slow and then I said, “Wow! It does!” He responded with, “No, you’re supposed to say gullible slowly.” And I reply with, “I did.” He’s still confused. MLIA.
Today, my friend and I went to a wax museum. We decided to pretend to be wax figures and see if people would notice we were real. After scaring a few people, one of them had gotten security to come kick us out. Security never found us. MLIA.
Today my Polish friend asked me what the word “Promiscuous” meant. As a joke, I told her that it meant “busy”. She later told our Biology professor that she’s been very promiscuous this week. MLIA.
Today, I used an application on Facebook which tells me which one of my friends looks like me. I was really upset when the result I got was this girl who I don’t think is very pretty at all and I find her really annoying. But then I remembered that last night I changed my profile picture to one of my dog. I win. MLIA
Today, I saw a man carrying a burlap sack over his shoulder with his young son’s head sticking out. I was unsure how I felt about.Then the kid noticed me starring and chirped happily “I’m a potato!” MLIA
Today our math teacher told us that if we fall asleep, we have to sing a song in front of the class. My friend fell asleep and he sang twinkle twinkle little star and was embarassed by it. Me and four of my friends purposely fell asleep and put on a concert in our classroom. Our teacher no longer uses that as a punishment. MLIA.
Today was our “Top 10″ assembly for Homecoming. For the assembly, each girl gets to choose who escorts them and what song to walk into. Most girls have their dad or brother escort them in to their favorite song. I was escorted by Darth Vader to the Empire Strikes Back theme. Guess who got the most applause? MLIA
Today, I cut my leg on a box and it started bleeding. Instinctively, I wiped the blood away with my hand, then realized my fingers were covered with blood. Instead of washing it off, I smeared my handprint in true horror movie style on a piece of paper, wrote “Please help me!” in scratched letters below it, and slipped it under my sister’s door. She screamed when she saw it. MLIA
Today in class, I discovered that someone had written “Mary had a little lamb, and the doctor fainted”, on the wall. I laughed. No one else seemed to get it. MLIA
Today, my dog and I were wrestling. He kept trying to lick my face, but I’d push him away every time he got close. Suddenly he stopped and looked out the window with an intense expression on his face, I decided to look too, as soon as I did, he licked my face. I was outsmarted by a dog. MLIA.
Today, I walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth when my brother tumbled out of the cupboard, shouted “I’ve found Narnia!” and threw a bunch of pine-cones and fake snow in my face. I’m not sure if I’m more impressed that he used props or that he stayed holed up in that cupboard, waiting for someone, for at least 45 minutes. MLIA
Today, I offered my roommate a cookie. She declined my offer, and went back to work. I then set the cookie within her reach, and continued my own work. A couple minutes later, the cookie was gone. I’ve been running this test for weeks. The only difference today was that the cookie was actually a dog treat. She didn’t notice. MLIA
Today, I decided to answer the phone with a Russian accent. My dad, who was on the other line, paused and started to get confused. Thinking that he had the wrong number, and not wanting to admit it, he tried to sell me car insurance. Instead of hanging up like most people would when a telemarketer called, I kept him talking. He BS’d for a full 7 minutes before putting me “on hold”. When he called the second time, I answered with a British accent, just to see if it would happen again. It did. He offered me a snuggie. MLIA.
Today, my friends and I were watching a movie with captions underneath telling you fun facts about the movie. At one point, it said that “The Hollywood sign was erected in 1923.” Everyone giggled, then another caption came up saying, “I bet you just giggled at the word erected.” Well played, captions, well played. MLIA
Today, I went to a wedding. I really wanted to steal some frosting off the cake, so I grabbed my spoon and started to go in for some. My dad stopped me, and gave me the spoonful he’d stolen. I love my dad. MLIA
On Monday, I was packing my brother’s lunch and I asked him what he wanted. He said to surprise him. Wrong answer. He got a santa straw, shampoo samples, a raw potato, and cheese whiz. I think he’ll be making his own lunch from now on. MLIA.
Today, I confessed to my mom that when I was younger and first heard of a ‘tornado watch’ I imagined a very large gold Rolex watch coming down my neighborhood, spinning, and throwing everything around it everywhere. She then showed me the paper I wrote about it in second grade, with a huge question mark drawn on it by the teacher. MLIA
Today, my 5-year-old daughter was taking her time eating her dinosaur nuggets. I told her to hurry and eat them before they ate her. She bit all their heads off and told me “Now they can’t.” Well played, offspring. Well played. MLIA
Today I was sitting on the quad reading. Suddenly, a guy walks past me, without looking at me, and says “duh nuh”, like from the Jaws theme. This happened a few more times and then stopped for a little while, so I went back to my reading. Out of nowhere, a guy in a shark suit tackled me to the ground and then ran off. By the time I collected myself and sat up, nobody involved in the affair was in sight. I picked the right college. MLIA.
Today, my identical twin and I decided to swap clothes and desks to try and stump our teacher. It worked. We’re homeschooled. MLIA
Yesterday, I read a story on MLIA about a member of the marching band beating up a member of the football team. Today, when I was moderating the FMLs, one came up that said “Today I got beat up by a member of the marching band. I’m a football player. FML” MLIA
Earlier this week I took a test in math. There was a word problem about Elvis selling lemonade. After solving it,I wrote in the corner, “Elvis is worth billions. Why would he be selling lemonade?” When I got the test back, my teacher had written, “It’s funny how you’re more concerned about the lemonade than the fact that he’s dead.” MLIA
Today I spent an hour drawing Waldo once in each chapter of my math book. I also wrote instructions for the next person who gets my book. “Find Waldo in each chapter and a higher being of your choice will give you a cookie.” The secret? I skipped chapter 9. MLIA
Today, I was playing a game with my two-year-old brother, in which I would make an animal sound, and he would respond with the corresponding animal. After he correctly answered “cow” to my “moo”, I said, in a deep, manly voice, “I love the ladies”. He said “Mommy”. I have never been more curious as to what my mother says when I’m not around. MLIA
Today, my child went on this baby website about Disney and I found that her password was ‘MickeyGoofyPlutoMinnie’ I asked her why it was so long, she replied ‘They said it had to be at least 4 characters.’MLIA
Today, one of my two turtles took a snap at the other one. I removed him to a smaller “time out” aquarium. He has now been staring at me for 32 minutes. I think he’s mad, and I’m a little scared. MLIA
Today in my math class while going over homework, one kid asked our professor to go over number 69. My teacher immediately says “Oh! Have I ever told you guys about my 69 story?” I have never seen a class full of college students quiet down so quickly. MLIA.
Today, the weird receptionist at the hotel I’m staying at asked me if I needed an extra blanket because I “looked cold in my sleep last night”. FML
Today, thanks to the dust storm in Australia, I spent the whole day drawing smiley faces, love hearts and writing “I wish my wife was as dirty as this” on random peoples’ cars. MLIA
Today, I found out that the school bus I drive for a living is able to play music through its external PA system. I am now burning a cd with the ice cream truck song to play at my first pick up while the kids are coming out of the building. MLIA
Today, our guest speaker at school gave out pens that “never write lies”. I decided to test it out and wrote “2+2=”. As I was writing “5″, the pen stopped working. MLIA
Today, I was in art class trying to figure out something orignial to draw. I asked my teacher for an ideas and said, “I want to do something that nobody has ever done.” She replied, “How about a virgin?” She is now my new favorite teacher. MLIA
Today, I wore my House shirt (which is a labeled brain) in spirit of the new season that has started. I looked down and realized I can use it to cheat on my psychology AND human anatomy tests. MLIA
The other day I was eating M&Ms when I came across an N. Out of sheer boredom, I called the company to “complain.” Just now, I received 2 free bags of M&Ms in the mail. I am now a satisfied customer. MLIA.
Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out “Wanna test out my new bed?” as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I’m wearing, and my ex’s new girlfriend is not amused. FML
Today, due to recent incidents, my school added a new “no lightsaber duels on school grounds” rule to the student handbook. While in english class a neighboring teacher randomly burst into my class and began dueling with my teacher using lightsabers. When they got yelled at by the principal they claimed there was nothing against it in the teacher handbook. Teachers-1 Principals-0. MLIA
Today, I went to my girlfriend’s house for the first time. I had to use the restroom, and when I came back, I mocked her brothers’ lame Pokemon shower curtain and Ninja Turtle towels. Turns out they were hers. FM
Today, my know-it-all university professor said, “Was is always a verb”. I then raised my hand and said, “It’s a noun in that sentence…”. Never before have I felt so cool. MLIA
Today, while walking my dog, a UPS guy came up petted him, and gave him a treat. Once the guy was gone, my dog spit it out. I’m glad my dog knows the rules when it comes to strangers and candy. MLIA.
Today, I was in a department store with my three year old daughter to buy some new jeans. I took her into the dressing room with me and as I began to take off my pants she yells, “Mommy, you can’t go peepee in here!!” I no longer welcome in that particular store. FML
Today, after taking a shower, I walked by my pet bird in only a towel. She wolf whistled. I felt sexy. MLIA
Today, I saw a couple of beetles doing it. Jealous, I quickly crushed them with my boot while screaming, “IF I CAN’T DO IT, NOBODY WILL!” All the little kids playing on the local playground, including parents supervising them, gave me dirty, confused looks. FML
Today in maths I stole my friend’s cellphone and changed my name in her contacts to our teacher’s name. Half way through class she got a text saying “Stop talking and do your work!” and looked up at the teacher, with a very worried look on her face. MLIA.
Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I didn’t fight some guy that started hitting her right in front of me… In a dream. She was totally serious. FML
Today I read a FML saying; “Today, a really hot guy and I were planning to hook up. It was going to be my first kiss so I was really excited. We drove to the park and he laid a blanket on the ground. In all seriousness, he looked at me and said, “You be Hermione Granger and I’ll be Ron Weasley.” FML” I want to marry this guy. MLIA
Today, I stepped out of the shower and put my glasses on, but noticed that I could see perfectly fine without them! I spent almost 5 minutes thinking about my exciting new life as spiderman before I realized I had my contacts in. MLIA.
Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML
Today at my school, we had a lock down drill to prepare for any intruders. We had to lock the door and sit quietly in the corner for ten minutes. About half way through, the door bursts open and my principal dressed in a Darth Vader suit shouts, “Fools, I have a spare key!” and runs out. It was the single most frightening yet thrilling experience of my life. MLIA
Today, my friends took my phone and changed all the contact’s names to characters from Harry Potter. I have over a hundred contacts and no idea who I’m talking to. I’ve been texting Draco Malfoy for 4 hours now. FML
Today, my little brother came home with a story that he wrote in preschool. The story was about him and my dad fishing so he titled it “My Dad the Hooker”. MLIA
Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML
Today, my brother and I were in the car with my dad. We were driving alongside some kids on bikes. My little brother saw them and told my dad “50 points if you hit a kid!” Without missing a beat, my dad punched my little brother in the arm and said “50 points.” MLIA
Today, I was walking through Macy’s with my girlfriend. I stopped to admire a mannequins ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. Then proceeded to slap it. It wasn’t a mannequin. FML
For several weeks now, my place of work’s competitors have had a sign that reads “WE GOT PROPANE.” Today, my place of work updated their marquee to read “We have proper grammar AND propane.” MLIA.
Today, I pulled someone over for speeding. He was only 10 over the speed limit so I gave him an $84 fine. It turns out he is a workplace Occupational Health and Safety officer and because I wasn’t wearing my high visibilty vest while standing on the side of the road he gave me a $250 fine. FML
Today, while taking the city bus home from college, I saw a man with one arm. He was wearing a long sleeved shirt and had the empty sleeve tucked into the front of his pants, making it look like he was touching himself in public. For half an hour, whenever a new person got on the bus, they would glance at him and give him a disgusted look, and he would laugh. I gave him a thumbs up when I got off the bus. MLIA.
Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden’s plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML
Today, some kids were playing on a sand volleyball court. They didn’t have a ball, so they played with an imaginary one. I was turning to talk to my friend when suddenly, he jumped up and ran over to the court. He proceeded to steal their imaginary ball and punt it as hard as he could. The kids got mad and decided to go look for a new ball. Now I remember why he is my best friend. MLIA
Today, I had to take a test in my AP Biology class. The second to last test question was “Make a barnyard animal noise. You have 10 seconds to comply.” I looked up, confused, and saw my teacher staring intently at me. He mouthed the word “Go” and tapped his watch. I mooed. The rest of the testing period was completely silent, except for the occasional clucking, neighing, and mooing. MLIA.
Today, while I was sitting in chemistry, a girl asked if she could have some of my water. After she drank it, I told her with mock horror that she drank dihydrogen monoxide (which is just water). She started screaming and told our teacher. He pretended to be shocked and sent her to the nurse. Then he gave me extra credit. I love chem. MLIA
Today, I was at a concert and one of the generators failed, so the lights went out in the tent. Someone shone a flashlight at the ceiling. Immediately, I pulled out my flashlight and shone it on his. He turned it off. We proceeded to play flashlight tag until the lights came back on. MLIA
Today at school, in IT class we were working with CDs. I always sit at the same computer and it has never let me down before, so you can imagine my surprise when the disc tray didn’t open. My teacher told me to just move to another seat. I, being loyal, refused.I fiddled with the tray until it opened, it had a 20 dollar bill folded inside. Loyalty is clearly appreciated by Microsoft. MLIA
Today, I was called by my sons school. He had been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn’t forge them. I don’t know what’s worse, my handwriting looking like a 6 year olds or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention but I still have my dignity. FML
Today, my dad told me that when he was in the army his friend legally changed his last name to “Sir” so the drill sargeants would have to scream “SIR!” to their inferior. Way to beat the system. MLIA.
Today, I saw a blind man and his seeing-eye dog. The dog had on a shirt that read, “Why is this old guy following me?!” It easily made my week. MLIA
Today, I was using the bathroom at my college when I noticed someone wrote “Thug Life” in big bold letters. Right underneath it, someone added “gets you nowhere. That’s why you’re at a community college.” MLIA
Today, I was at the finish line of a cross country race, in front of tons of people, when I tripped and began to fall. Instinctively, I tucked my head and went in for a somersault. I came straight up and continued to run across the finish line. Everyone applauded. I have never felt more cool. MLIA
Today my math teacher needed an acronym with the initials ASTC. A student raised their hand and said “All Students Take Calculus.” To this my teacher replied “I prefer All Strippers Take Cash.” Best. Teacher. Ever. MLIA
Today, I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic on my way to my friend’s house. Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, the guy next to me honked. When I looked over, I saw that he had a piece of paper pressed up against his window that read “Want a cupcake?” I rolled down my window and he gave me one. It easily made my day. MLIA.
Today my friend that lives in Australia wanted me to take pictures of my college campus so he could see what it was like. So instead of boring regular pictures, I had my friend put on a red and white striped shirt and hide in all the pictures. Best. Day. Ever. MLIA.
Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. I have been getting these random sexually explicit texts and phone calls so I just joking said to my friend, “I think someone wrote my number on a bathroom stall.” At which point he said, “Sorry, I didn’t think people really called those numbers.” FML
Today, my mom noticed that my bike chain was rusty so she decided to clean it without telling me about her good deed. She forgot to tighten it when she put it back on so when I tried riding later it locked up and I ended up smashing my nuts. My doctor told me I have to ice them for a week. FML
Today, my grandmother had problems with her credit card company. She took out her card, cut it in the shape of a hand flipping someone off, and mailed it to the company. Coolest grandma ever. MLIA
Today my boyfriend was running late leaving the house, as he was putting on his shoes by the door I jokingly said “You need to hurry up, my other boyfriend will be here any minute!” He opened the door and almost ran into the UPS man who must have over heard me because he immediately quipped “Honey, I’m home.” The look on my boyfriend’s face…priceless. MLIA
Today, I forgot my email password. After guessing various passwords for half and hour, I just gave up and typed “I don’t know.” Turns out that was my password. MLIA
On a History test we were asked, “Who was Michelangelo?”. I answered, “Renowned artist/Ninja Turtle. Wore an orange headband. Weapon: daggers.” My teacher marked this wrong and wrote back “WEAPON: NUN CHUCKS. CHECK YOUR FACTS.” Teenage Mutant Ninja Teacher? Awesome. MLIA
Today, I was teaching swimming lessons to a new group of kids. One kid came in wearing Spiderman goggles. I asked what his name was and he yelled “Spiderman!”. I told him, “That’s awesome. But what’s your real name?”. He whispered, “Peter Parker”. I have a new favorite student. MLIA.
Today in my dorm room the doorbell rang. Sitting outside the door was a box labeled “A present from your friends in room 201″. I opened it and a guy popped out, gave me a high five and ran off down the hallway. MLIA.
Today, I was feeding my cat when he tried to bite my hand. I told him “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” He bit my other hand. At least he listened to me. MLIA
Today, my mother told me to finish cleaning my room before I went to bed. Reluctantly, I went upstairs to find that on top of a pile was my fairy wings from last Halloween. Attached was a note: “So you can feel pretty.” Coolest. Mom. Ever. MLIA
My father just told me a story about my uncle in the army. They were doing surprise inspection looking for contraband when they found my uncle’s pipe. The officer looked at it and asked, “Pot? Tobacco?”. My uncle answered, “Bubbles, sir.” MLIA.
Today, I let a kid know that his shoe was untied. He rudely responded by telling me they was supposed to be like that and to “back off”. He then took three steps and tripped over his shoelaces. Justice has been served. MLIA
Today, my roommate, who wants to be a lawyer, made me sign a contract that I would clean up more. I scribbled in a random place, ‘Not valid on days ending in y.’ Now I can tell him to read the fine print when I don’t clean up. MLIA
Tonight, I was listening to the radio on my way home. “Heartless” by Kanye West came on, a few seconds into the song, the DJ stopped it and said “just kidding!” and proceeded to play “You Belong with Me” by Taylor Swift. This made my whole day. MLIA
Today, during the morning announcements at school they announced that the Procrastination Club’s meeting will be pushed back to Wednesday. Even if it was just a joke, it made my day. MLIA
Today I was eating m&ms on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see my hand on my crotch and me muttering “where is that little bastard?” FML
Today, I read the tag on my shirt. It said “This shirt was tested on animals…” I was about to be very upset, until I read the rest “… and it didn’t fit.” It’s my new favorite shirt. MLIA.
Today, I had a one question test. The second part of a question said “defend your answer”. A kid in my class got full credit because he drew 300 spartans around the first part of his answer. MLIA.
Today, I had to turn a paper in for science. When I turned it in to my teacher, he asked where the appendix of my paper was. I said that my paper was sick a few years ago and had to get it removed. He gave me an A-. MLIA
Today, I got a red mark on my hand. I decided to leave it on and see how many people told me I was bleeding. Later that day, I looked down and freaked out because I thought I was bleeding. I win, my plan worked. MLIA
Today, we got my 1-year-old niece color tablets for her bath water. My older sister, brother-in-law, and I put one in the showerhead so that when my younger brother takes a shower later, the water will come out orange. All three of us are more excited about this than we should be. MLIA.
Today, I was running late for Spanish because the parking lot was completely full. After finally grabbing a spot I got out of my car and screamed “This is madness!” and was quite pleased when I heard “This is SPARTA!” from four different directions. MLIA
Today, I saw a group of primary school kids waiting to cross the road. Then I noticed there were two ducks in front of them, also trying to cross. The kids were looking at the ducks, and copied them as the ducks backed off when a car approached and they noticeably looked both ways before crossing. I mentally thanked these ducks for teaching them proper road safety. MLIA
Today, some school kids were making fun of a little girl’s pink hair on the bus. When they got off one of them tripped and fell – cue the girl shouting “FAIL!” at the top of her lungs and the whole bus applauding. MLIA
Today, I was upset about having to clean the bathrooms at work. When I went to grab a rag, I discovered one that had Hannah Montana on it. I got to wipe toilets with her face. It was epic. MLIA
Today I was having a really bad day and told my friend at lunch about how stressed I was and he gave me his brownie to cheer me up. After school, he texted me “Did the weed kick in?” Yes, it did, right in the middle of my English presentation. FML
I live in Australia and have a friend on facebook who lives in New York. Today I left a comment on her page and afterwards she informed me that the time stamp on the comment said ‘tomorrow’. This excited me so I proceeded to spam her page with messages from the future. MLIA.
Yesterday, my friend pulled me out of my Calculus class to watch 5,000 bouncy balls fall from a building at my college. He is a much better friend now. MLIA
Today, I went to work and for breakfast I grabbed a pack of pop tarts. When I later opened the bag I found not two but three pop tarts. It was a pop tart miracle. I just hope someone didn’t have a pop tart disaster and only get one. MLIA
Today, I got package of poptarts from the vending machine at my high school. It only had one pop tart. I was wondering why, and then I read a MLIA hours later about a person getting 3 poptarts. Mind. Blown. MLIA
Today, I was taking a quiz in geometry. The question is what happens when two planes intersect. I put down a crash and got full credit. MLIA
Today, my friends and I began arguing what kind of child would be the hardest to raise. I said twins, and then revised my answer to sextuplets. My other friend said, “Carmen Sandiego and Waldo’s kid.” He wins. MLIA
Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer I saw her battery was flat so I said “Uh-oh! Looks like you’ve died.” She bawled her eyes out and said “Not yet.” FML
Today, I woke up to my 8 month old son happy as can be. I could hear him laughing over the monitor. When I walked into the room, he had somehow got his diaper off and was holding onto his new found penis. He thought it was hysterical when it went off and shot urine everywhere. FML
Today, I finally answered a 1-800 call from my cell phone, I promptly asked to be taken off the calling list, to which the telemarketer replied “Sir, I would love to do this, but unfortunately it is a permanent list, as it was written in Sharpie.” Makes sense to me. MLIA.
Today, I got annoyed with my mum stopping in her tracks each time she needed to reply to a text message. I tried to show her that you can walk and text at the same time. I ended up falling into a drain. FML
Today, as I was driving to work a Beatles song came on the radio. I let a group of 4 guys that were looking at me weird go across the crosswalk. As they were walking across, they all froze just like on the Beatles album cover for Abbey Road. I applauded and gave one of them a high five. MLIA.
Today I was arguing with my dad. I called him a geriatric fool. He replied with “Well at least I know who my biological father is.” I have no idea if he’s joking. FML
Today, I was visiting my girlfriend’s house to meet her parents. We were having a nice conversation and her mom then asked “What have you done recently that was great?” I replied without thinking “Your daughter.” FML
Today, I put a laundry basket on my back and pretended to be a turtle. I now know why they walk slow. MLIA
Today, I twisted my ankle and it really hurts. I told everyone I hurt it out running. Really, I fell while pretending to be a secret agent getting through a maze of lasers. So worth it. MLIA
Today, I was holding my new puppy and thinking about how unfair it is that dogs don’t get to pick their own names. I wondered how it must feel to have a name forced upon you. Then I realized it’s the same way for humans. MLIA
Today my doctor told me I need to take Steroids for a week. I asked him if it would shrink my testicles. He politely reminded me that I am a girl. MLIA
Today, I was typing things into Google to laugh at it’s suggestions. I typed “I am so,” and one of the choices was “I am sofa king we todd did.” I laughed at how incredibly random it was, until I said it out loud. I stopped laughing. You win, Google. MLIA.
Today, at church, the Priest asked all the fathers to stand for Father’s Day. I stood up to freak my mother out. It worked. MLIA
Today, I was driving into a parking lot with some friends. I carelessly passed a sign when my friend said, “Wait what did that sign say?” I backed up to read it and guess what it said: “Severe Tire Damage. Do Not Back Up.” Now all 4 of my tires are slashed. FML
Today, I saw four turtles crawl out of a storm drain. At first I panicked, but then realized that since I’m not evil, I have no reason to fear the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. MLIA
Today, I was working in a kitchen and burnt my fingers lifting a dish out of the oven. I was in pain and annoyed until I realised that my ninja skills had just increased ten-fold due to the fact I now have no fingerprints. MLIA
Today my iPod froze up and I got mad and called it stupid. Then on shuffle “Whatcha say” came up. I repeated myself and the next song was “Apologize”. I refused. Then “Say it” came up next. I was genuinely terrified and quickly apologized. MLIA
Today, I realised that if Austalia is a day a head of us, and if the world ends in 2012…they are the first to go. MLIA
Today I bought a toothbrush that plays Bohemian Rhapsody as I brush. Brushing my teeth is now completely epic. MLIA.
Today, my best friend thought it would be funny push me off my bike. He thought it was even funnier when the paramedic accidentally dropped me. FML
Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, and suddenly at the end of dinner he decides to kneel down on one knee, take out an engagement ring, and say “I choose you, Pikachu,” with a straight face. He was serious. FML
Today, I got in trouble for calling my little brother a moron. When he asked what a moron was, I told him it was someone who didn’t wear enough clothes and needed to put “more on”. He proceeded to take off his pants and run around screaming “I’m a moron”. I love my brother. MLIA
Today, I asked Cleverbot which Jonas Brother was its favorite. It answered “the first one that dies.” I love Cleverbot. MLIA
Today, I was doing a presentation in assembly at my school. Part way through, a girl I didn’t like yelled “YOU SUCK!” from the audience. Without thinking I replied with “YOU SWALLOW.” I think a week of detention is a small price to pay for the look on her face. MLIA.
Today, I took a power nap in class. When I woke up I found out I had a dream where I fought crime with Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. From what the class heard, we won. MLIA
Today, I placed an order for a ‘single taco’ at Taco Bell. The man behind the counter regrettably informed me that all of the tacos were dating or married. MLIA
Today, my boyfriend and I were walking down the street. A group of 10 year olds saw us, and one girl gasped and shouted, ‘Creepy people!!’ My boyfriend and I looked at one another, nodded, and ran after them making dinosaur noises. He’s a keeper. MLIA
Today, while in my room, I heard my dad say “son of a bitch” to himself. I walked out and said “You called?” I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more priceless look on someone’s face. MLIA.
Today, I saw a penny on the ground. It was heads-down, but I picked it up anyway. While investigating it more closely, I continued walking, and walked into glass doors. You win this time, unlucky penny. MLIA
Today, my friend and I were making sandwiches at his house. His family’s dog wandered over just as I dropped a large chunk of cheddar on the floor. The dog snatched it up and ran away with it. I yelled after it, jokingly, that I hoped it would choke and die. It did. FML
Today was September 1st, so I texted my friend saying “Where are you? I’m on the Hogwarts Express and I can’t find you on here!” She responded back “Don’t worry, I’m taking the Ford Anglia this year!” I know why we’re friends now. MLIA
Today, I was reading in my Psychology textbook about the Hypothalamus. It stated that its function was easy to remember as the 4 Fs : Fight, Flight, Feeding, and Mating. I pondered this sentence for 10 minutes, being confused since Mating obviously starts with an M. Now that I get it however, I really think I am going to enjoy reading a textbook for once. I will also be getting at least one question right on the next test. MLIA
Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML
Today, my brother came out of the shower and sat with my mom and I on the couch. He then says he liked the idea of the extra toothbrush in the shower, it helps him clean between his toes. I have been using that to brush my teeth for the last two weeks. FML
Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn’t a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML
Today, I was in Applebee’s and my friends and I were using straws as mustaches. I then put two together to make it longer and this continued until the mustache stretched clear across the room. Several strangers offered us their straws and even helped hold it up by pinching the straws in between their nose and lip. Needless to say, our picture is on the wall. I feel like a celebrity. MLIA
Today, I was curious as to whether or not my mom was off of her medication. When I asked her, she pulled a knife on me. Looks like I got my answer. FML
Today, I received a text message from my favorite sister saying “Great news! The technology in condoms has improved so much that they ensure that accidents like you won’t ever happen again!” Today’s my birthday. FML
Today, I was at a four way stop sign and another car got there at the same time as me. I waved for him to go, then he waved for me to go. We both sat there for a few seconds and then put our hands out the window to rock-paper-scissors for it. I won. MLIA
Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of that smell of marijuana in the house. So I confess and tell her I will never bring it home again. She was talking about my neighbors. FML
Today, I was babysitting a three-year-old. While we were eating ice cream, I told her she was very mature. She asked what it meant, and I told her it means she acts older than she is. She told me not to speak with my mouth full. MLIA
Today, on the train on the way to my mother’s house, I was playing Mariokart with my son. He got a ‘bomb’ item, and yelled quite loudly, “I have a bomb!”. Panic ensued. We got thrown off the train at the next stop. FML
Today my brother baked cookies. He put them on the counter to cool and then accidentally fell asleep while waiting. My whole family ate them all while he was asleep and then we convinced him he dreamt baking the cookies. He believed us. MLIA
Today, I was driving past a farm that always has 4 chickens walking around outside. It always cheers me up to see them, but I couldn’t find them. I wasn’t watching the road so I didn’t see when I ran over all 4 chickens. FML
Today, I woke up to find a stack of pancakes on my forehead. My boyfriend was trying to see how many he could stack on me before I woke up. MLIA
Today, I slipped walking down the stairs. My mom thought I sprained my right ankle. In her haste to get me to the doctor, she grabbed me and accidentally tripped me. I broke my left ankle. The right one was fine. FML
Today, I saw an article on WikiHow.com called “How To Seem Confident During a Job Interview When Blind or Visually Impaired”. I am still wondering how they are supposed to read it. MLIA
Today, I woke up to find the entire driver’s side of my car wrecked. Front door, back door, front and rear bumper smashed to shit. A drunk driver had hit it the previous night and ran. Don’t worry though, he stopped and left his insurance information. He keyed it into the undamaged side of my car. FML
Today was the first day of the school year. In three out of four classes, we went over class rules and safety regulations. In chemistry, we lit a gummy bear on fire. I know who the fun teacher is. MLIA
Today, I woke up and my little brother was crying. Last night I got compelety loaded and thought I drowned a fish. I didn’t feel that bad because fish live in water. It was actually my brother’s new hamster. FML
Today, I came home from a business trip, I walked in to the house to find my husband nowhere to be seen. I called out his name and he came round the corner saying “Coming baby.” When he came through the door he said “Oh it’s you…” FML
Today, was my third day at work. The hazing finally began. After a few rounds of “punch the new guy”, I thought I would finally be safe because the manager walked into the kitchen. He saw what was going on, picked up a handful of ketchup packets, and began throwing them at me. FML
Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML
Tags best MLIAs funniest my life is average great MLIA good awesome FML fuck my life FMLs best mlia read at school not blocked
