Deetfin

Best texts from last Night *explicit*

Some content may be explicit! Explicit ones are more towards the bottom.

Just trying out different things that I have been finding on the internet. This site, is a collection of random drunken texts that friends get from last night and wonder what the hell happened last night. It’s call textsfromlastnight.com. For the most part, we’re gonna try to have them be clean. we’ll see how that turns out.

(724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

(518): you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming ‘euthanized!’

(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I’m sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?

(240): Banned from zoo.
(301): Again?

(323): Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I’m not fancy.

(718): you kept yelling ‘bird cage’ in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant ‘free bird’ and you said ‘fuck you, i’m not gay’, needless to say you were kindly escorted out

(913): The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers… You should at least give back 60 of them.

(330): Little spoons don’t ask big questions

(818): Jake died.
(310): WTF????????? That’s how you tell me????
(818): Oops typo. Jake cried.

(612): We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can’t be drunk.

(631): there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.

(281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it’ll make you a pirate. It won’t: it’ll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

(303): normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

(616): She acts like you when your on meds
(510): She acts like batman?

(206): What should our trivia night team be named?
(925): Define Statutory

(503): i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
(1-503): I wish that high-you wouldn’t text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

(219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

(480): You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming “AFLACK!” at everyone

(478): I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell

(214): Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

(954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

(305): so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
(954): you didnt stop her?
(305): too entertaining

(407): my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
(1-407): It’ll hurt less than being alone

(914): he puts the penis in happiness.

(734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
(1-734): what was she crying about?
(734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

606): That’s why Kanye is a gay fish.

(804): my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.

(973): my math professor just wrote “parallel” on the board, but spelled it “pararrel”. guess what country he’s from

(757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming “i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!”

(905): In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the ‘rocky mountain bear fucker’ would not end in a pleasant experience

(970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said “pretend i’m your pet dinosaur” so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

(516): I just farted in the dogs face to show him who’s boss

(519): oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
(1-519): like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

(803): I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy

(970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it’s so cute.

(405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn’t serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren’t heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

(504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

(805 ): Fuck?…well quicky, i have to study…unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
(303): I can be that talented

(250): Ask me how many people I’ve slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
(1-250): I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

(864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

(619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
(716): do you not see the irony in that??

(250): Ask me how many people I’ve slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
(1-250): I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

(630): I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we’re now fbook friends.
(1-630): if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they’d think you were using performance enhancing drugs…

(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered “Simba”

(717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he’s convinced the tongs he’s holding are his real hands

(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I’m terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
(303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.