Deetfin

Best FMLs & MLIAs

Alright, so I’ve started a tradition of bed-time stories for me and my roommate, so we read FMLs/MLIAs and I decided I like a lot of these so I’m going to put the best ones on the site. These are from fmylife.com and mylifeisaverage.com Hey you guys, also this is a great way to read FMLs and MLIAs at school or work or on internet things that have FMLs or MLIAs blocked! We update it almost daily, so keep on checking back!

Part 1 of the FMLs and MLIAs Collection

Today I was teaching my sister’s dog to lay down whenever I spoke whale to it. The sore throat is well worth it. MLIA

Yesterday, I told my little cousin that the car windows only went up or down if she thought about it hard enough. For the next half an hour, I drove down the highway pushing the up and down button while she was sitting in the back staring at the windows in awe. MLIA.

Today we were talking about fruit salad in class. While discussing what our favorite fruits were, my friend tapped me on the shoulder. She then asked “Is there such a thing as vegetable salad?” Yes there is. It’s called salad.

Today, I was taking a math test. There was one extra credit question. It was the question how many minutes in a year? NO WORK ALLOWED!!! I wrote 525,600 how do you measure, measure a year. The lyrics from the song Seasons of Love from Rent. While others were given one point for knowing it, I got three extra and a dinosaur sticker. MLIA

Today I was watching a dog training video with my dog. The instructor said that dogs should react to things they do on the video, such as throwing a ball to the camera. To demonstrate she threw a ball at the screen. I ducked. MLIA

Today, my teacher made the mistake of giving my class clipboards and sending us out into the halls to do “field work” Someone remembered learning in psychology that holding a clipboard increases people’s willingness to obey you. With clipboard in hand we calmly asked a teacher for 2 student volunteers for an experiment and proceeded to have them perform pointless tasks. Results:complete obedience MLIA

Today, my politics professor asked the class to give the name of a current pop star. I said Lady Gaga. He did not know who Lady Gaga was, so I had to clarify the name a few times. Once he got down that “Gaga” was actually correct, he proceeded to ask a serious question of whether Lady Gaga was a man or a woman. The whole class laughed, and he never got his question answered. MLIA.

Today I was really (stupidly) mad at my brother. I said I didn’t have any proof that he cared about me at all. He got out his Game Boy Advance, with a Pokémon game inside, and showed me the Shiny Togepi he had named after me. I’m sorry, brother, I was wrong. MLIA.

Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn’t get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML

Today, my little sister found out the tooth fairy wasn’t real by putting a mouse trap under one of her pillows. I’m so proud. My dad, however, seems very upset. MLIA

Today, my mom came home from shopping and asked my 7 year old sister If the mail came while she was gone. My sister replied, “No, but some lady came and gave daddy an STD.” My mom freaked out until I showed her the package for him that said STD on the front. I still cant stop laughing. MLIA

Today, I realized my initials are TIM. My first name is Tim. When I told my parents this, my dad got out of his chair and applauded me. My mother than handed him a 100 dollar bill. They had made a bet to see if I could realize my name and initials were the same. MLIA

Today, a van that was painted as the “Mystery Machine” drove by me going about ten miles over the speed limit. I could not believe it, and therefore drove about twenty over the speed limit in order to see who was driving. Not only did the old man in the front seat wink at me when I got pulled over, but the cop that pulled me over let me off with a warning. He said it has happened before. I am proud of my community. MLIA

Today in church I was singing a hymn. The line was “love puts you on your knees” I laughed. I saw the priest smirk too. MLIA

A few nights ago, I was playing around with the speech command setting on my MacBook. I set the “Alert Option” to warn me right before it went into sleep mode. I decided to set the voice for “Whisper” and for it to say “Hey Baby” before going over the shut down procedure. Last night, while I was out on a walk with my friend, my roommate texted me to say that she almost pooped her pants and punched my computer when it started hitting on her. MLIA

Today I got on a crowded elevator with two of my friends. As the elevator began rising I coughed a few times. I turned to my friend and said, “I guess I’m not completely over swine flu yet.” The concerned glances of the other passengers and their rush to get out of the elevator made me smile inside. MLIA.

Today, While I waited for the stoplight to change, a family was crossing the street in front of my a car. One of the kids, a child of about 10, decided to enter into a staring contest with me. Even as he passed by my car he continued to turn his head in my direction. When he reached the sidewalk our contest abruptly ended with him running into a pole. I win. MLIA

Today, we had a guidance lesson in school. We had a quiz were there were situations where kids were being bullied, and we had to choose the correct way to stand up to them. On one of the problems, a possible answer was, “If you don’t stop, I’m going to tell everyone that you have herpes.” I was pleased to find out that everyone in my class chose this answer. MLIA

Today one of the kids in my class yelled “f***”. We aren’t aloud to swear in school so we all looked at the teacher to see if he was going to yell at him. He looked at the student with a straight face and said, “Don’t say things you don’t do.” New favorite teacher.MLIA

Today, we had a fire drill in my dorm. When we got outside, we all heard “We Didn’t Start The Fire” blasting from a second story room. It made my whole night. MLIA.

The other day I was on my way home as I walked by a field. There were lots of sheep there, so I just went “meeeeh” in a sheep-like way. Then, all of a sudden, all the sheep came running down the hill, stops right in front of me and just stares. Now I’m extremely curious about what I told them. MLIA.

Today, my little sister had a pool party for her birthday and my friend and I were the lifeguards. It was pretty low key until we heard a scream and saw everyone starring at the pool floor. They accidently dropped their pet rock in. I dived in and saved it. I felt like a hero. MLIA

Today, I was too lazy to do a simple math probelm in my head so I typed 58 minus 29 into my calculator. I pressed the equal sign and nothing happened, so I thought my calculator might have been messed up. To test it, I entered many different probelms and they all worked out just fine. After trying to figure out what was wrong for about 10 minutes, I realized that 58 minus 29 is 29. MLIA.

Today, while being exceptionally bored I typed in “Fo” to see what suggestions came up. One was “fo’ shizzle my nizzle”. Intrigued I clicked on it to find this: “fo shizzle ma nizzle” is a bastardization of “fo’ sheezy mah neezy” which is a bastardization of “for sure mah nigga” which is a bastdardization of “I concur with you whole heartedly my African american brother”. This made my day. MLIA

Today, my class was playing one of those cheesy get to know your classmates game. The question asked to a boy who rarely talks was “If you were an animal what kind would you be?” He without hesitation said “a unicorn”. Everyone was confused until he winked and said, “Because I’m everyones fantasy”. All the guys laughed. All the girls, including my teacher, were impressed. MLIA

Today, me and my family were eating out after my sister had just finished play rehearsals, where she plays a prostitute. She was tired, and when the waitress asked why my mom said “She had an eight hour rehearsal today. It takes a lot of practice to be a prostitute.” Without missing a beat, the waitress said “Oh, don’t I know!” and winked at my dad. I may have a new favorite restaurant. MLIA.

Today, in Spanish class we had to talk about chores we do around the house. I meant to say I take care of the family dog (el perro). Instead, I unknowingly said “la perra” which is slang meaning ‘the slut.’ I told my teacher that I feed, bathe and take the family slut for walks. She had to excuse herself from laughing so hard. MLIA

This morning, I complimented my dad’s new tie. He thanked me then proceeded to tell me he had gotten it in Thailand. It took him a few minutes to figure out why I was laughing so hard. MLIA.

For the past week or so my friend and I have been realizing that the bell to end our school day rings 1 second later each day. We decided to bring it to the principals attention. He admitted it was a conspiracy and promised us a cookie everyday if we dont tell anyone. MLIA

Today, I found out that if you count my satisfactory grades in kinesiology, my midterm grades spell out “badass.” Never have I been more proud of a D. MLIA

Today, in Spanish class, we had to write stories about what we would be doing in ten years. Since I was confused, my friend helped me write one, and told me that it translated to “I will be married and working in a hospital.” She was lying. When we had to present the stories, I stood up and proudly told the entire class that I was planning to kill the President and flee to the mountains without any clothes on. I should feel embarrassed, but I think I have a new life goal. MLIA

Today, I went to visit my boyfriend in his dormroom. He hesitated to open the door. When he opened it, I noticed something moving under his bed. Initially I thought it was another girl he was trying to hide, but it was our friend Pete who had just seen Paranormal Activity and was afraid to sleep alone in his single dorm. MLIA.

Today, I was at work and realized a co-worker left her jacket. Instead of sending a simple text saying she forgot it, I sent a picture of the jacket with a ransom note and an attached “Help Me!” note. She came in 5 minutes later to claim it, without the $100,000,000 I asked for, but instead gave me a cookie. I feel this was sufficient payment. MLIA

Today, while parents were dropping their children off at the daycare where I work, one parent took a moment to remind her son not to hit other kids. She is deaf, and so was signing it to him. He covered his eyes and yelled “I’M NOT LOOKING!” I had to leave the room for a moment, I was laughing so hard. MLIA

Today, in English class, we have to make code names for our essay’s so the teacher doesn’t know who’s paper she’s grading. I put the name ‘Dixie Normous’. When she handed them back, she announced “Alright…who’s Dixie Normous?”, I stylishly replied “Right here”, everyone laughed. She didn’t get it. MLIA.

Today, I had trouble sleeping after having watched “Paranormal Activity.” I couldnt sleep because I kept thinking there was an evil spirit in my room. I decided to listen to music and set my playlist to shuffle. The first song that played was the Ghostbusters theme song. I fell asleep right after. Thank you, Ghostbusters, for making me feel safe. MLIA.

Today, my history teacher took our whole class out to Indian food. We decided it would be fun to pretend that we were all his children. at the end of the meal, we all shouted “thank you, Dad.” we got a few puzzled looks, then he replied by raising his glass and saying, “and now, a toast to your dead mother.” the waiter was mortified. my teacher is awesome. MLIA

Yesterday, my roommate bought a small statue of Beethoven’s head at a garage sale. She mistakenly left it out in the living room, so my other roommate and I decided to tape him on the wall opposite of the toilet. Beethoven is now looking down on whoever decides to sit on the toilet. I was then awoken with a scream at 10 am when my roommate found him. Major win. MLIA

Today, I was listening to “Bohemian Rhapsody” while driving and was pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the cop walked to my window, the head-banging part of the song began to play. We looked at each other and both started to rock out to the music all the way to the end. I still got a ticket. MLIA

The other day, my family and I were playing Apples to Apples. The green card with the descriptive word on it was “inadequate.” The winning card? “Under the covers.” Guess who put it down. My 8-year-old sister. She didn’t get why we were laughing so hard. MLIA

Yesterday, My Physics teacher told us that he would give us an A if we could come up with blueprints to a device that would let us see through a solid brick wall. I handed in blueprints showing a square on a wall. I labeled it Window. MLIA.

Today, I fell asleep at the library after hours of studying. When I woke up, there was a purple whale-shaped pillow under my head, all of my books were neatly stacked, and my laptop screensaver had been changed to a picture of the night sky. Thank you, library fairy. MLIA

Today, my mom set her facebook status as: “going to see my oldest daughter, WTF” My other sister and I are debating whether or not to tell her that WTF doesn’t mean With The Family. MLIA

Today, I was waiting in the huge imax theater for my friend. When she didn’t see me, she shouted “CACAW!” I reflex cacawed back. We continued this until she found and tackle-hugged me. Mid-hug, I heard a guy seated behind us whisper “That was AWESOME.” MLIA

Today I was watching my cat, as he appeared to be showing a lot of interest in something small. I got up from the sofa to see what it was, but couldn’t find anything. When I turned around he had taken my seat on the sofa. Well played. MLIA

Today, I was playing “don’t touch the lava” at the playground and I had lost my left foot to the lava already, so I was hopping around on one foot. I was trapped on this one section of the playground, and a lady came over and offered to carry me across the lava to the other side. I accepted her offer and hopped away cheering. I’m a sophomore in college. MLIA

Today, I popped all the letters off 26 keyboards at my college and proceeded to make keyboards of entirely one letter (AAAAAA) I was aided in my endeavor by the lab aide, who says he will give me a dollar for every confused look. I am about to be rich. MLIA

The other day, my sister-in-law told her two and a half year old son that if he gave up his pacifier, she’d give him five dollars, which we all thought was a good idea. He thought about it for a second and then agreed. After the exchange, he said “Can someone take me to buy more?” We all got outsmarted by a toddler. MLIA.

Today I wanted to write on my mom’s wall on facebook. I freaked out when I thought she had defriended me because when I tried searching for her, her profile didn’t show up. Turns out searching “mom” will not actually get you to your moms page, I tried again with her actual name. MLIA

Today, I learnt that it is legal in the UK for a woman who is pregnant to relieve themselves anywhere, even (if they should so request) a policemans hat. I live in London. I’m 6 months pregnant with my first child. My dad’s a policeman. Bring. It. On. MLIA

Today, I purposely cut off my grandma on the freeway. Without realizing it was me, she sped up next to me and flipped me off while mouthing “F*** You!” She then realized it was me and later gave me $5 not to tell mom. I love my grandma. MLIA

Today, my fiancee and I were helping her parents repaint her childhood bedroom. I kept finding big industrial hooks in the wall. After pulling out the 3rd one, I finally asked what they were for. My wife-to-be and her father just looked at me and said “She built blanket forts until she was 25.” She just turned 26. I know I’m marrying the right woman.

Today, I was taking a Facebook quiz telling me how much of a sloth I am. When it asked me how many toes I have, I started counting them. About 4 toes in, I realised what I was doing, and clicked “10″ MLIA

Today my wife told me to come home expecting some time under the sheets. When I walked into our living room I saw the gigantic fort she had made. I am not at all disappointed. MLIA

Thursday, in Child Development, I had to take a computerized baby home for the weekend. Since we had off school on friday, it wasn’t activated until 4 pm. I went to the mall at noon with the baby in a stroller and “tripped” down the escalater and looked horrifed as my stroller flipped the whole way down. The expressions? Priceless. MLIA.

Today, we were discussing genetics in science class. One girl asked why she looked more like her mom’s personal trainer than her dad. I had to be removed from the class, I was laughing so hard. I’m the teacher. MLIA

Today my rat walked across my keyboard and typed out “gay”. I told him he was brave for coming out to me. MLIA

Today, I was on my laptop looking through notes I had taken in order to study for my Theology midterm. I got halfway down the second page to find the notes abruptly ended with a note saying, “this is the point you stopped paying attention. good luck on your exam.” Thanks so much, past me. MLIA.

I work as a waitress at a breakfast restaurant, and today, I brought a credit card receipt back to a table to be signed. Instead of signing it, he drew a picture of a whale swimming on the signature line. Skeptical, I turned the credit card over to look at the signature on the back. A whale swimming. MLIA

Today my fanatic best friends were having a long, boring discussion about the Twilight movie. One said she thought Robert Pattionson would have looked hotter with a tan. A random person passing us said “Impossible. There’s no sunshine in the closet”. Thank you, kind stranger. MLIA

Today, my English teacher, who has had a crazy looking beard since the start of school, nonchalantly in the middle of class said, “Man, this thing is itchy”, and took the beard off. Needless to say, we are baffled. MLIA

Today, my father informed our family that he was planning on buying some turkeys. Thinking he was joking, my mother asked him what he was going to name them. As of tonight, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Backup are scampering around my back yard. MLIA

Today, I was talking to two of my triplet friends and asked them the cliche question do they feel the same emotions at the same time. They jokingly said yes, so I kicked one of them in the shins, while the other laughed so hard he fell over, landing on his shin. I heard later that their sister, the third triplet, that she knocked a cup of hot coffee onto her leg and got second degree burns. I will never mess with the natural order again. MLIA

Today, after my cat wouldn’t stop meowing at me while I was trying to sleep, I decided to meow at him while he napped. After a while, he covered his face with his paws. I think I’ve taught him a lesson. MLIA.

Today, I learned that my dad is the reason Batman wore a seatbelt in the original animated series. When he was a kid, he said he didn’t need to wear a seatbelt because Batman didn’t, so his uncle wrote to the company. They made an episode where Batman says to Robin, “We’re not leaving until you put on your bat-belt!” MLIA.

Earlier today, my english teacher sent me an email saying, “Your going to fail my class if you don’t clean up your act.” Instead of agreeing, I sent her the WikiHow article on the proper usage of you’re and your. When she gave me a week of detention, my parents got me a cake for being smarter than the teacher. MLIA

Today it was hip hop day at school. Everyone dressed up as gangstas and hoes. I dressed up as a bunny and hip hopped my way to all my classes. MLIA.

Today, my grandma, my mum and I were sitting on a couch. Grandma pointed out there was “3 generations sitting on this couch”. I rubbed my tummy and said ever so lovingly “actually, there’s 4″. I’ve never seen such horrified looks. Mission accomplished. MLIA

Earlier this year my technology class started The Stock Project, during which we invest our imaginary $10,000. My group forgot to ever invest anything. Today I found out that my group ended with the most money in the school because of the recession. MLIA

Today, in Health class, we were making a list of all the STDs we could name. I said chlamydia, which impressed my teacher, as he said few ever know that. Later on, when I was walking down the hall, my teacher yelled out to me, “I bet you’ll be the only one in your grade to get chlamydia!” Great word choice. MLIA

Today was fictional charachter day at my school, so I dressed up as Mario. Throughout the day I ran into a Luigi, a Peach, a Wario, and a Yoshi. Guess who got to frolick with their brother, kiss a cute girl they didn’t know, have an epic battle with their arch nemisis, and get a piggy back ride to all of their classes? MLIA

Today, I was called by a telemarketer. When he asked to speak to the head of the household, I began speaking frantic spanish (mostly “No comprendo”). He told me to hold on. After waiting a few seconds, a spanish woman was put on the line. She began speaking, and after a few words I started saying “I can’t understand you!”. The line went silent and a different english speaking man was put on the line. I got them to switch 4 times. MLIA.

I was convinced that my English teacher wasn’t actually reading anything we were writing, that he was skimming them all. So, to test it, I wrote “duck” every thirtieth word (in a 1000 word essay). He caught one of them. MLIA

Today, I was called to the principal’s office of my twin son’s school because they were cheating on a test. Apparently when one needed an answer they would tap out the number they needed on their test and the other would cough once for A, twice for B, three times for C, and four times for D. I don’t know whether to be angry that my children were breaking rules, or worried that my five year olds might be evil geniuses. MLIA

Today I went to the grocery store and bought a bag of fruit with pictures of apples on it. When I got home I opened the bag expecting to find apples, inside were bananas. I checked the label and underneath the word bananas was written “bet you wished you read the label.” MLIA

Today, the kid I sponsored for the Make-A-Wish foundation sadly passed away without getting his wish fulfilled. One of his mini wishes was for his name to be posted on MLIA. Rest in peace, Jacob Andrew Motz. MLIA

day, I got my graded math test back. One of the questions involved drawing some funky-named geometric figure and I had no clue how to do it. So, naturally, I drew an elephant instead. The teacher simply put a red question mark by it. Apparently, in her confusion, she forgot to count it wrong and take points off my test. I win. MLIA.

Today, I went through the McD’s drive through and ordered a #3 with a cinnamelt. I realized I did not have enough money for the cinnamelt so I quickly drove out of line and pulled in a parking spot by the door. I walked in and, almost as if puzzled as to what I should get, I ordered simply a #3. I was happy to have enough money for the essentials. The man proceeded to hand me a bag and said, “here. there’s a cinnamelt in there for you too. some ass hole just drove off after ordering.” MLIA

A week ago I was assigned a “How to” project. I decided to do mine on How to fail a project. I printed out 63 pages of MLIA with a title page on top and handed it in. Today our projects were handed back, I got an A. MLIA

Today, I had to do a recording assignment for a language class. I was getting frustrated, so I finished the recording and sent it without playing it back. I listened to it just now, and you can clearly hear my father screaming at my brother to hide the body before Mom gets home. He was talking about a mouse, but my instructor doesn’t know that. MLIA

The other day my parents came home to find their lawn covered in pink, plastic flamingos. They found a note on the door explaining that they could pay $5 to have the flamingos removed for good, or $10 dollars to have them moved to the neighbor’s yard. Turned out it was a class fundraiser. I love my school. MLIA

Today in class, I found a pencil on the floor by my desk. I picked it up and began to use it, until the person sitting next to me muttered, “Shoot, where’s my pencil?” Realizing it was hers and feeling very guilty, I said “Here, you can use mine.” MLIA

Today, I was driving with my little brother, having a discussion about what kind of car he would get when he could. He said he wanted a bug. When I asked why, he said “So that I can know that every time I pass another car, someone is getting punched.” MLIA

Today, my chemistry teacher, who runs marathons, told us that for a Halloween 5K she wore a sumo wrestler costume and ran after her friend, also in the race, who was dressed up as a bowl of rice. MLIA

Today, I was playing chess with my dad. He got his pawn all the way across the board and got a second queen for himself. I told him he couldn’t do that because it would be polygamy. He reminded me that both my bishops were dead and couldn’t enforce the law. You win, dad. MLIA

Today, my grandpa was signing my sisters cast that she has on her arm. Realizing I hadn’t signed it yet, I asked “hey, what about me?”. My grandpa then took my arm and wrote “Grandpa Frank” in permanent marker. Clever, Grandpa. MLIA.

Today, I was at a red-light in the car with my mom when a cop pulled up beside us. His siren went off and he sped away, and my mother and I looked at each other and I said “I feel sorry for the sucker that he pulls over”. As we turned the corner I saw my dad pulled over by the cop. MLIA

Today I had chinese with my friends. They were all commenting about how they liked their fortunes. When I looked at mine it read, “The other fortunes lie”. …I didn’t have the heart to tell them that. MLIA

Yesterday, I went to the movies with my sister and the New Moon trailer came in and in the part where Edward says ‘This is the last time you’ll ever see me’ my sister yelled FINALLY! the whole theater started laughing, good to know everyone’s tired of it too. MLIA

Today I was at a Halloween store with my boyfriend of a few months, who was being a jerk. Michael Jackson’s Thriller came on so I got excited and started doing the dance. My boyfriend broke up with me because he “didn’t realize how weird” I was. Five other people in the store joined me in doing the Thriller dance and the very cute cashier gave me his number. I regret nothing. MLIA

Today’s thanksgiving day in Canada. My brother told my mom he was thankful that she didn’t figure out that he destroyed the T.V in the basement. She freaked out for a good 10 minutes until realizing we don’t have a T.V in the basement. MLIA

Today, I found out about Mystery Google. I clicked “I’m Feeling Lucky” without typing anything into the search box. It then said “Please don’t type gibberish.” I proceeded to type ‘gibberish’ into the box and it said “Well aren’t you clever”. MLIA

Today, I was alone in my office with a bag of M&M’s. I was tossing them up and catching them in my mouth when I leaned back too far in my chair. I fell backwards out of the chair which slammed into my desk nearly breaking my computer. All I was thinking about was how totally awesome I was for still making the catch. MLIA

Today I noticed that someone had liked a link I posted on the cutest dog page on FB, the name was MrMarples Coyne. In my head I was like who the hell would have their name be like MrMarples on Facebook? So I clicked it only to find this picture of a dog staring back at me. MLIA

Today, I got a phone call from a co-worker. I answered ‘Joe’s Morgue and Deli, where you stab ‘em, we slab ‘em, Headcheese is our 2 for 1 special!’ He had me on speakerphone with our supervisor. They started laughing so hard, my boss fell out of his chair. I win. MLIA

Today, the minister from my church called my house, I didn’t look at the caller ID so I answered “Kentucky Abortion Clinic, where no fetus can beast us. How may I direct your call?” We both found this way more funny than my mom did. MLIA.

Today, I got into a fight at school, and my principal called my dad. When he arrived, she told him that I got into a fight. The first thing he said was ‘Who won?!’. When I told him I did, he gave me a high five then turned to the principal and said ‘So does she get some sort of prize or something?’. The look on her face was priceless. MLIA.

Today, I realized that if you say “oops” my dog runs over and looks for food on the floor. I have taught him well. MLIA

Today my mom was mopping the floor, and – being as clumsy as I am – she felt the need to warn me not to step on the slippery part of the floor and fall. I laughed and said, “Of course I’m not going to slip on the floor if I can see that it’s wet.” I turned around and ran into a wall. MLIA.

Today, I was in English class when one of the teachers walked into the class and threw 2 handfuls of candy on the floor and said “Fight for it you monkeys”. I don’t know if I should be offended or proud that I got the most candy. MLIA

Today, I was in a store pretending to be a mannequin. I saw a little girl running around as her mom tried to leave, yelling, “I haven’t said goodbye to everyone!” She proceeded to run down the line of mannequins, hugging them all. When she got to me, I hugged her back. I’ve never heard anyone scream so hard. MLIA

Today was my twenty first birthday. My mom and dad came down to surprise me and give me my birthday presents. I had told them all I wanted was “cold hard cash”. My dad proceeded to give me one of our old lunch coolers. When I looked at him in confusion, he told me to open it. Inside was $21.21, all in coins, frozen in ice cubes. I am now waiting for my money to melt. I love my dad. MLIA

Last night, my mom complained that I don’t do enough chores around the house like vacuuming or washing the dishes. As a joke I told her I’d do more chores if they were fun. I came home from school today find all the sponges by the sink cut into different dinosaur shapes. Tonight I used T-rex. Well played mom. MLIA

Today, I was woken up from a nap by my cat attacking my face. Evidently, my husband thought it would be funny to shine a laser pointer on my cheek. FML

Today, I was sitting in my room and heard a little boy outside sneeze. I said bless you, and five seconds later, I heard a very hesitant….”God??.” MLIA

Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML

Today, I shouted “Hey look! I’m INVISIBLE!” at people walking past me when they weren’t paying attention. When they turned to look I pretend to try and find where the voice came from too so that they would be confused. It worked. MLIA

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with the cliché of the diamond ring in a champagne glass. Apparently there was an off-duty police officer across the room watching me slip the ring into the glass. He thought I was slipping in a date-rape drug and tackled me down before I could propose. FML

Today, I renamed my iPod “This ship” just for the pleasure of seeing the phrase “This ship is syncing” MLIA

Today, I was at the mall and just before I was about to walk inside, I noticed there was a homeless man standing on the sidewalk. I read his sign. It said ‘spare change for a bigger sign to impress hot homeless chicks’…I gave him all the change in my wallet. MLIA

Today, I realised that my shampoo is the color of blood, and I made bloody handprints on the wall. Remembering that my parents didnt know I was home, I made a mini murder scene in the shower. My mom screamed loud enough to wake the neighbors. MLIA

Today, my parents told me a story about how when I was younger when I went trick or treeting one year a couple answered the door and said “what if we want a trick”. at this point I asked them to come outside and then told them to turn around for a trick, I ran inside and locked them out. I got extra candy. MLIA

Today, I heard my dad in the next room saying, “And that makes it go louder…” He was teaching my dog how to use the T.V remote. MLIA

Today, a classmate asked if we could review material for the upcoming test. My professor asked her what she wanted to review. She said everything. Disbelievingly, he snorted and asked, “You want me to go over four weeks’ material in an hour and fifteen minutes?” Without missing a beat my friend leaned over and asked, “Isn’t that what we’ll be doing on the test?” Our entire row high-fived him. We got a review day. MLIA.

Today, I got pulled over on the interstate. The officer asked me why I was going 88 mph. I didn’t realize that was my actual speed, but I told him, “I must be trying to get back to the future but my flux capacitor doesn’t seem to be working.” He laughed. I still got a ticket. MLIA

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